Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Thought I saw him
As I sit here eating my scrambled eggs and toast, I saw Apollo out of the corner of my eye in his begging stance. I looked down and he wasn't there. It was just a pile of clothes.
Now, I'm in hysterics. Again, I realize my companion of the last nearly 13 years of my life is gone forever. There is no bringing him back.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Losing Apollo
Losing Apollo today really puts life into perspective, yet again for me. Every now and then, I need something to shock me to my core, as a jolt reminding me to get on track to reach my goals. Its very easy to get side tracked in life. Especially while living in Las Vegas.
I'll be 34 years old in exactly 83 days. Throughout my life I have set some incredible goals and achieved all of them. I have so many accomplishments that I am proud of but the only accomplishment I have left is to be a wife and a mother.
It's as though that will never happen. I feel as though Apollo left me to allow me to move on. He was the center of my world and as long as I had him, I at least had that feeling of being a mother and that feeling of unconditional companionship that he gave me.
Today was my wake up call.
I'll be 34 years old in exactly 83 days. Throughout my life I have set some incredible goals and achieved all of them. I have so many accomplishments that I am proud of but the only accomplishment I have left is to be a wife and a mother.
It's as though that will never happen. I feel as though Apollo left me to allow me to move on. He was the center of my world and as long as I had him, I at least had that feeling of being a mother and that feeling of unconditional companionship that he gave me.
Today was my wake up call.
Apollo
For the past 12 years & 3 months, I have had the honor of raising Apollo. My husky/golden Mix.
On May 20th, 2013, I brought him to the vet. It was 4 days prior to this that I noticed he was not acting his happy, chipper self. He was lethargic and tired. I let it go for a few days b/c maybe it was "just a bug," ya know?
By day 4, I called the Vet & was given an appointment the very next morning. We did blood tests. He gave me super strong antibiotics for Apollo & within 24 hours of taking them, Apollo was being his goofy, floppy, fun, active self.
BUT - Within 24 hours, the vet called back to tell me that Apollo's white blood cell count was 52,000. He informed me that it should only ever be, at most, 9,000 for a very sick dog. His WBC count was informing us that Apollo had a cancer so horrible he would never make it.
Since the vet was blown away by these results, I brought Apollo back in. The vet thought it had to have been a 1 in a million screw up at the labs, so blood was re-drawn AND tons of other tests were done.
Nope, the results were the same. He has full blown cancer. You could actually feel the tumor on his side.
5 days later, we brought Apollo back in for a check-up, Vet said Apollo had 2 weeks to live.
We went home and started cooking him steaks and bought only the best soft dog food available. We love loved on him as much as possible and made him as comfortable as we possibly could.
On June 20th, we got home to find Apollo laying on the floor. He wasn't responding like his normal self....... he was just laying there. We got down on our knees to his level, hugged him as strong as possible and looked into his eyes. He was alive, but you could tell his time on earth ran it's course. I felt it in my heart.
32 days my boy lived. The vet said 14 but we got 32 days to love on him and spoil him.
As for me. I live in Las Vegas. Alone. I have no family here. None. All I have are my co-workers, Facebook friends and an ex-husband who for the longest time was my arch enemy.
When Apollo became sick, I was just moved in and settled into a beautiful, 2 story home in mountains edge. I was starting a new chapter in my life, alone. My 1st husband moved back to Buffalo, NY. We were super young when we got married, grew apart and divorced with no hard feelings at all. Very amicable. My 2nd divorce was horrific. Absolutely horrific.
So here I was, alone and finding out my best friend and shadow of 12 years, 3 months had severe severe cancer. He couldn't make it up the stairs. He had to be given pills 3 times a day. He had to be fed special food or he wouldn't eat. He had to be picked up and carried into bed, picked up to go in the car for his vet visits, which were every 5 days. And I had to still be able to work, in a casino, on-call. At the mercy of a casino job - well, that doesn't work with a sick best friend.
My ex-husband took on the task of helping this amazing creature live peacefully, happily, spoiled and well taken care of for the last 32 days he was alive here on earth. It was amazing to me, that although Rick and I divorced on boiling blood, he stepped in and took on the task of carrying this 80 pound pup everywhere. In and out of bed, up stairs, into cars. Getting him to eat when he wouldn't & even giving Apollo water through a syringe when he stopped drinking and eating. He was also the one to close Apollos eyes when we found him passed away. He wrapped Apollo's body in a blanket, called the mortuary and carried Apollo's body to the car. All of which I was completely incapable of doing. I was the one to see Apollo's stiff body in the morning. I didn't even check, I just screamed and Rick pounced out of bed and took care of it all. That vision of my dead baby is just ingrained in my mind...... ugh, so horrible.
And I know your all thinking I'm insane for having Rick help me. But honestly, this wasn't about me, or hard feelings or the past. This was about my best friend and love dying of cancer......and it was about making sure he had someone around him, spoiling him 24/7. In the end, I know for a fact Apollo did die peacefully and happily.
After the mortuary, we sat in the garage. Both quiet. Both empty. Rick said, get on the scooter. Come on, we are going for a ride to the park. Apollo would want us to. We rode to the park, sat under a tree by the dog run. It was actually so nice.....
At this point, I am just numb. I'm completely numb. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I'm just staring at the wall. I'm empty without him.
Apollo was my best friend and my world..... He is in heaven, in a peaceful, beautiful place but I am still here on earth, missing my little love.
I'll never again come home to his beautiful smile, his fluffy wagging tail and I'll never again get a chance to kiss his soft little face. :(
On May 20th, 2013, I brought him to the vet. It was 4 days prior to this that I noticed he was not acting his happy, chipper self. He was lethargic and tired. I let it go for a few days b/c maybe it was "just a bug," ya know?
By day 4, I called the Vet & was given an appointment the very next morning. We did blood tests. He gave me super strong antibiotics for Apollo & within 24 hours of taking them, Apollo was being his goofy, floppy, fun, active self.
BUT - Within 24 hours, the vet called back to tell me that Apollo's white blood cell count was 52,000. He informed me that it should only ever be, at most, 9,000 for a very sick dog. His WBC count was informing us that Apollo had a cancer so horrible he would never make it.
Since the vet was blown away by these results, I brought Apollo back in. The vet thought it had to have been a 1 in a million screw up at the labs, so blood was re-drawn AND tons of other tests were done.
Nope, the results were the same. He has full blown cancer. You could actually feel the tumor on his side.
5 days later, we brought Apollo back in for a check-up, Vet said Apollo had 2 weeks to live.
We went home and started cooking him steaks and bought only the best soft dog food available. We love loved on him as much as possible and made him as comfortable as we possibly could.
On June 20th, we got home to find Apollo laying on the floor. He wasn't responding like his normal self....... he was just laying there. We got down on our knees to his level, hugged him as strong as possible and looked into his eyes. He was alive, but you could tell his time on earth ran it's course. I felt it in my heart.
32 days my boy lived. The vet said 14 but we got 32 days to love on him and spoil him.
As for me. I live in Las Vegas. Alone. I have no family here. None. All I have are my co-workers, Facebook friends and an ex-husband who for the longest time was my arch enemy.
When Apollo became sick, I was just moved in and settled into a beautiful, 2 story home in mountains edge. I was starting a new chapter in my life, alone. My 1st husband moved back to Buffalo, NY. We were super young when we got married, grew apart and divorced with no hard feelings at all. Very amicable. My 2nd divorce was horrific. Absolutely horrific.
So here I was, alone and finding out my best friend and shadow of 12 years, 3 months had severe severe cancer. He couldn't make it up the stairs. He had to be given pills 3 times a day. He had to be fed special food or he wouldn't eat. He had to be picked up and carried into bed, picked up to go in the car for his vet visits, which were every 5 days. And I had to still be able to work, in a casino, on-call. At the mercy of a casino job - well, that doesn't work with a sick best friend.
My ex-husband took on the task of helping this amazing creature live peacefully, happily, spoiled and well taken care of for the last 32 days he was alive here on earth. It was amazing to me, that although Rick and I divorced on boiling blood, he stepped in and took on the task of carrying this 80 pound pup everywhere. In and out of bed, up stairs, into cars. Getting him to eat when he wouldn't & even giving Apollo water through a syringe when he stopped drinking and eating. He was also the one to close Apollos eyes when we found him passed away. He wrapped Apollo's body in a blanket, called the mortuary and carried Apollo's body to the car. All of which I was completely incapable of doing. I was the one to see Apollo's stiff body in the morning. I didn't even check, I just screamed and Rick pounced out of bed and took care of it all. That vision of my dead baby is just ingrained in my mind...... ugh, so horrible.
And I know your all thinking I'm insane for having Rick help me. But honestly, this wasn't about me, or hard feelings or the past. This was about my best friend and love dying of cancer......and it was about making sure he had someone around him, spoiling him 24/7. In the end, I know for a fact Apollo did die peacefully and happily.
After the mortuary, we sat in the garage. Both quiet. Both empty. Rick said, get on the scooter. Come on, we are going for a ride to the park. Apollo would want us to. We rode to the park, sat under a tree by the dog run. It was actually so nice.....
At this point, I am just numb. I'm completely numb. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I'm just staring at the wall. I'm empty without him.
Apollo was my best friend and my world..... He is in heaven, in a peaceful, beautiful place but I am still here on earth, missing my little love.
I'll never again come home to his beautiful smile, his fluffy wagging tail and I'll never again get a chance to kiss his soft little face. :(
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