Dying doesn't scare me..The quality of my life leading up to it does.

Dying doesn't scare me at all.  What scares me is the the in between.  The quality of my life leading up to it.

When you get diagnosed with Lupus, you have no idea that it is truly as bad and as detailed and intricate as it really is.  What is happening to my body is insane.  Each day I awake and there is something new.  

It seems as though I am honestly living to work just to pay for medical procedures that are absolutely necessary to sustain my life.  I am a 34 year old young woman in my prime.  I'd love to be able to go and buy myself a bottle of perfume.  Or better yet, a new pair of sneakers.  Instead, I awake with strange pains, like today.  I had to rush to the dentist for an emergency visit which turned out to cost me $600.00 even with my insurance.  That's just ONE aspect of Lupus and there are hundreds.

I also had to take a "refusal" at work for a shift that I was called in for.  Therefore, I lost the money from that shift and I am now marked with a "refusal." Two more refusals and that is automatic termination.

I wonder how in the hell lupies without health insurance and who are not las vegas cocktail waitresses can afford to provide themselves with medical care which sustains there health.  How??

Why in AMERICA can we not use common sense?   If someone is diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that has a high mortality rate (such as Lupus) that has NO cure, why do we not have medical coverage provided for us?  Why are we forced to pay for these expenses until the day this disease finally kills us?

Not only do I get denied for Life insurance because of the mortality rate associated with this auto-immune disease, but it has also ripped my quality of life from me.  It has financially drowned me and it has stolen my identity.

After today's dental visit, I drove home and tears started to flood.  Am I going to survive this?  How am I going to afford this?  How am I going to afford not losing my teeth?  How am I going to afford to keep getting all these tests on a regular basis to ensure my organs are not shutting down??  The test every 2 months to make sure the lupus medication is not making me go blind?

I am NOT scared of dying.  I am scared to death of the quality of life leading up to that day.